


My Mind's Swarming With These Memories That Still Haunt Me

by KidWestHope16



Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Days Eater au, Natsume Takashi Protection Squad, Natsume Takashi's Terrible Childhood, Past Child Abuse, cat dad, deaged, kid Natsume Takashi, papa wolf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-03 19:01:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20457923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KidWestHope16/pseuds/KidWestHope16
Summary: What if nobody came across Natsume when he had been deaged by the Days Eater? What if it was just Natsume and this lucky cat that said knew he knew him?





	1. A Distant Fragment Of Nobody Important

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title: the Master's Lament ( Aqua's theme) by Lizz Robinette.
> 
> I've been binging Natsume Yuujinchou again. And I wanted to write fics for a while. So I decided. Meh. Why not.  
I was eating away at me and killing my Vive when it came to other fics. So here is one part of a three partner until I can finish other fics.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsume Takashi knew two things.  
Monsters couldn't be trusted, they only wanted to hurt or eat him.  
Humans shouldn't be trusted, he didn't belong anywhere amongst them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title lyric: Lizz Robinette - Memories of Nobody (Roxas' theme)

"Tanuki, it's okay. I'll figure things out on my own." Takashi paused as he bunched his hands into the material of his shirt. " I can't go with a youkai I don't know really well." Takashi didn't say he didn't trust him. He didn't have to when the cat, after screaming that its name was 'Nyanko-Sensei', plopped down and stared at him. Eyes that had previously been black as coal and lifeless like a dolls's were now shimmering gold like honey a knowing look. 

It frightened him.

Youkai were monsters out to _hurt_ him. Or worse.

_Eat_ him. 

Humans were going to hurt him if he didn't ignore _them_ and caused trouble. What if he was already causing his newest guardians problems?

"Che. I can see you haven't changed much then. Still wanting to solve your problems on your own." The cat huffed irritably as he climbed to his feet and waddled closer to make his way past him. Takashi stood up and glanced down at his pants before rolling up the legs. He tucked the socks into the shoes after removing the laces from one and then slipped the shoes into the hood on his back as he had no bag to carry them in. 

"Well?" Nyanko-sensei called out when he knotted the lace as tightly as he could around his waist to prevent the pants from slipping off. It was a trick he'd picked up after receiving hand-me-downs that were twice or thrice his size. Takashi marched forward, shoulders climbing up to his ears as the cat followed behind him. Unease settled across his shoulders like a familiar blanket but he shrugged it off. He had to. A youkai had done something to him. He had to get it fixed. 

From his experience, youkai gathered in forests. The littles ones wandered into the city to cause mischief as did one or two big ones. His best bet was the forest.

Takashi couldn't smell Youkai. He had no way to track them, nor did he remember what the Tsukihigui looked like.

It limited his options greatly.

No. It left him with the only option he didn't want. To accept the help of someone. To give them power over him. Like so many others before, he knew it would only end in agony.

"I can't repay you." Takashi whispered twisting his hands into his shirt anxiously as he followed the waddling cat. The cat looked back at him with those black eyes, so blank and empty.

"You can just give me Touko's Fried shrimp from your plate." The cat paused as it raised its head up, slowly coming to stand on its hind legs. It came to a stop and turned to him.

"Move behind me brat." Takashi hesitated briefly until he heard the trees rustling and scurried closer to the cat. 

"NATSUME!!" A beautiful woman with dark blue hair decorated with some gold decorations and a very pretty kimono popped out of the the trees with an exuberant cry of delight only to pause at the sight of Takashi crouching down beside Sensei.

"Hinoe." The cat greeted the woman who seemed frozen in shock.

"WHAT-" She was cut off by the cat quickly bouncing up and landing upon her shoulder. She silenced herself with a wary glance around the area. She beckoned Takashi forward.

He stood up slowly and looked up at the cat perched on the woman's shoulder. Then at the woman who had known his name. He felt his eyes well up with tears and refused to cry.

He's been _tricked._

Of course.

He _knew _better than to _believe_ them.

And yet he'd fallen for the _lies_ the cat told him.

He _knew_ he shouldn't have _trusted_ the cat. 

"Natsume?" The woman called softly but he shook his head and turned on his heel and sprinted as fast as he could.

"Stay away from me!" He cried out as tears blurred his vision. He scrubbed a hand across his eyes to keep his vision clear and tried to lose the woman and cat chasing after him. They weren't calling out his name out loud. Just telling him to slow down, or to listen for a moment. 

Smoke surrounded him suddenly, he was choking on it. He panicked as he looked around for the youkai but found himself surrounded by white. Takashi slowly reached froward and touched the white surroundings and found it to be soft fur. His breath stuttered in his chest as he took a halting step backwards and looked up to see gold eyes and red markings on a long lupine face. His legs gave out from under him as he landed on his behind when the wolf leaned down. It pressed its snout to Takashi's chest and chuffed lightly at him.

"Didn't I tell you it would be dangerous if others found you like this? Hinoe is one we can trust you damn brat." The wolf grumbled irritably. Its voice sounded deeper but that was without a doubt the cat he'd been walking with.

"n-Nyanko... Sensei...?" Liquid gold eyes dancing with power softened at his hesitant question. The head towering above him came to rest on its paws, its tail landed beside Takashi. 

The cat, was this huge wolf. And it hadn't eaten him or tried to lead him anywhere. Takashi had been in control. He'd been in control this whole time.

For once in his life. He feels like...

"Madara, we should go elsewhere." Hinoe chided as she sat side sadle on his hind leg.

Takashi clambered to his feet and waited. Nyanko-sensei shifted slightly so his shoulder was easily accessible and allowed Takashi to climb on.

He tucked himself as close as he dared and then braced himself. 

Maybe...

Maybe it was okay to trust this youkai. After all, if Takashi was his servant, then that means he was under his protection, right?

They were in shrine. Well, Takashi was in a shrine and Nyanko, (as a cat) and Hinoe were outside the shrine watching him.

"Natsume I'll look for the Tsukihigui, you remain here out of sight. It'lI only cause trouble if anyone finds you like this." Takashi knows he'll only be a burden to the cat but he doesn't want to be in anyone's debt. It only meant more hurt and loneliness in the long run.

"Madara won't be alone, I'll be helping him. As will a few others if you'll allow it." Hinoe's eyes were full of some emotion. Something he saw aimed at cousins, a feeling that made him feel as if he were on the outside looking in. 

"It's my problem..." He floundered helplessly confused as to why these youkai were trying to help him. "So why are you trying to help me?" When no one else has ever helped him before.

"Because you're mine." The cat stated simply, eyes a burnished gold focused unflinchingly on him. Gazing into his soul.


	2. And If I've Got To Toughen Up Then That Is What I'll Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madara knew human lives were fleeting. That Reiko had suffered much in her short time and became jaded.  
Natsume was different. He was frail and naive. Expecting hurt at every corner yet reaching out with trusting hands, Madara wanted to keep Reiko's legacy from becoming her second coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title lyric: I always knew by Jem

Natsume stared at him with wonder shining in his eyes. Eyes that had been lackluster and dark with fear were now focused on him as if he'd never heard those words before. He could feel his heart drop a little at the reminder that Natsume had not known love, safety, and kindness for many of his early years. 

<strike> _Just like Reiko._ </strike>

Madara can't picture Reiko ever looking at anyone this way. Not with her jaded heart and eyes like frosted glass. Wielding that smile of hers like a weapon against the world that shunned and isolated her.

He didn't want to see Natsume look at the world the way she had. With a challenge, defeating any ayakashi she came across to feel a connection as she wandered the world untethered.

He didn't want him peering through her eyes any longer than he had to when returning names. It was why he didn't want Natsume to focus on the actions of the foul Matoba clan. 

This human hid his heart in a battered and taped up cardboard box. He hesitated to give it out but was always willing to extend a branch of trust. Even after suffering he was willing to repay his abusers and tormenters with kindness. He was burned time and again and yet.

Natsume stepped closer and kneeled down so he was looking at Madara closely.

Yet here he was. Hesitant and afraid but extending a hand out all the same. Madara huffed. Eyes shut he stretched his neck out and felt the small trembling hand hover above his head.

A hand rested between his ears for a moment.

"_Okay._" He whispered afraid, always afraid and yet willing to stand his ground.

"Here, Natsume. If you find yourself in trouble, unfurl this scroll and pull out one of your hairs." Hinoe kneeled down in front of him and handed Natsume a scroll along with a small slip of paper that held the incantation.

"Repeat after me." Hinoe ordered as she made sure that Natsume was focused solely on her as they each held one end of the scroll.

"I summon thee-" she started.

"I summon thee-" Natsume parroted obediently.

"From the paths of light." She continued.

"From the paths of light." Natsume continued.

"You who expels the darkness." She ended.

"You who expels the darkness." He ended softly, looking unsure of himself. Hinoe rubbed her thumb across his right cheek catching his attention.

"Keep repeating those words, they'll keep you safe from harm should anyone try. We'll fix this." She stood up and dusted herself off before departing.

Madara waited with patience he learned through his daily interactions with this particular human.

"Nyanko-sensei..." Natsume's smile lied even while his eyes, dull like tarnished gold, darkened with years of hurt bored into his soul. "You'll come back... right?" Madara licked his paw and washed his ear.

"Who knows, Tsukihigui are notoriously hard to find." He watched Natsume clutch the scroll to his thin chest and nod in acceptance. Someone passed from family to family knows by now that no one would come back for him. And Madara wasn't a sentimental being, so he wouldn't lie.

Natsume rose to his feet giving a short bow in his direction before moving to enter the shrine leaving Madara alone outside the boundary of the shrine. He didn't look back once, eyes faced forward. 

<strike>How many times had he been passed around to learn to move on this way?</strike>

Madara bounded off into the forest. He searched high and low. Terrorizing anyone that did not cooperate with his interrogation. He was aware of the Chuukyuu, Misuzu, Hinoe, Kappa, and Benio helping him. All of them aside from Hinoe unaware as to why Madara was seeking the Tsukihigui but willing to help in the name of Natsume.

Why was he searching so hard? He could finally take possession of the yuujinchou. He could finally rid himself of the stubborn human with the bleeding heart, that just would not listen to reason. Would sooner collapse from sickness or injuries than to leave some request for help unanswered. 

Madara could remember how lost and alone Natsume looked when his sight had been stolen. Like the slightest of breezes could break him after all he'd suffered. 

> _'_ _I wonder, if you'll become attached to me one day__?' Natsume had mused aloud in a whimsical tone._
> 
> * * *
> 
> _"Natsume,-" the one eyed ayakashi loomed over Natsume as she dug her proverbial fangs into him. "Were they really all good people?" She queried, Natsume stared up at her pale as a sheet._
> 
> _"There were ones who drank and hit you." She continues aware of the damage she is causing when his shoulders begin to bow under the weight of his past. "And ones who'd pretend they'd forgotten to feed you." Natsume, glass eyed stared at the ayakashi with anger and shame as he rose to his feet._
> 
> * * *
> 
> _Natsume flinched away from the window as a loud crack ripped apart the comfortable silence they'd previously shared. He scrambled into his futon and drew the blanket over his head as curled into a tight ball. _
> 
> _For every flash of light, thunderous howls followed. With each one, Natsume, hands pressed to his mouth flinched. Silent, and unobtrusive, he remained awake through the night until the storm had passed._
> 
> _ Never once did he call out to anyone. _
> 
> _Never once did he attempt to reach out the way he'd witnessed frightened humans do._

Madara made his way back to the riverbank in the hopes that it would lead to a clue. There he found the pot the stray ayakashi had been trapped in. He stuck his nose into the pot and was rewarded with the scent of Earth, beginnings, and that scent that only ayakashi that had lived eons could carry.

"Finally." He muttered as he transformed into his true form, inhaling to catch the scent clinging to his nose. He could smell a dampness in the air, along with a pungent smell that he associated with a storm.

He had to hurry.

* * *

Takashi whimpered as a cold wind tore through him. He huddled further into the corner he'd taken shelter in when he first entered the shrine. He knew this smell. This scent that meant howling winds, crackling streaks of light and the ominous beating of war drums, discordant and maddening to listen to.

_It meant huddling alone beneath his covers so as to not disturb his guardians. _

_It meant hiding in cupboards or closets when he was home alone._

_It meant soul consuming despair and echoing loneliness with longing for the one thing he was not allowed to have. _

_It meant bone chilling terror as the heavens wept and threatened to tear apart the very fabric of reality with each streak of lightning._

Takashi trembled as he gripped the scroll in his hands tightly. He was safe. He was safe. He was safe here. He was safe here. Nyanko-sensei would-

He wouldn't come back. No one has _before, _and no one ever will. Takashi didn't _belong_ anywhere. He didn't _ belong to anyone._

Humans, ayakashi; it made no difference, to them, _he_ was abnormal. 

The light pitter patter of rain signalled the start of a storm. Takashi kept his eyes shut. He could play pretend. He wasn't scared. He wasn't lonely. He wasn't cold. He was safe, warm, and loved. A hand will pat his head and laugh softly as he sits on someone's lap to watch the sunset.

A bright flash of light crossed his closed eyes like a spiderweb. He dropped the scroll to clamp his hands tightly over his ears as he began to panic. The mounting feeling of dread filled him as he took in the long seconds that passed after the bright streak.

_ **It was coming.** _

A cacophony of roars shattered the silence. Takashi flinched into himself with a sharp cry of terror. His eyes grew wet but he refused to open them as he clamped down harder. He pressed his face into his knees to muffle any cries and awaited the agonizingly slow passage of time.

A torrential downpour of rain landed on the roof as the weather took a turn for the worse. 

He couldn't hear himself wheezing, but he was aware of a numb tingly sensation crawling along his limbs as he fought to catch his breath.

Something cold and wet briefly rested on his bare arm. He became aware gentle vibration against his shins. He didn't dare open his eyes, though he did blindly reach out and came in contact with wet fur. He peeked an eye open and saw white, grey and orange fur. 

"You..." Natsume choked, tears streaming down his cheeks as he struggled to finish.

_ <strike>'You came back for me.'</strike> _

"Of course I came back, I told you." Nyanko-sensei shook himself off and pressed himself into Takashi's arms. "You're mine." Nyanko-sensei purred. Takashi held onto him, somehow feeling all those feelings he'd longed for. Warmth, safety, and what he suspects love might feel like.

"Are we friends?" He whispers tentatively, eyes shut as he huddles closer to the noise of a gently vibrating cat.

"Nope. We're just bound by fate." Takashi felt a small weight slip off him. He relaxed, somehow, being bound by fate made him feel as if they had a bond that could not be broken through conventional means. "Now, sleep." Just this once. Takashi thinks he could sleep.

He felt.

So.

Exhausted.

_He..._

_w_

_a_

_s_

_s_

_a_

_f_

_e..._

* * *

Madara entered the shrine, zeroing in on the small quaking form of Natsume. Scroll abandoned at his feet as he quivered violently with muffled sobs.

> _Humans really were the worst._
> 
> _To ruin one so young this way. _
> 
> _Were they not supposed to cherish and protect their young? How did they fail so badly with two generations?_

Natsume looked at him as if he were a figment of his imagination. This is the same look he has whenever humans choose him. 

Madara shifted just as Natsume slumped over and slid into a graceless heap on the floor. Madara cushioned his fall and shut his eyes to rest. He deserved this.

"Troublesome human." He muttered fondly as arms wrapped around his middle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter will just be Natsume going home, his friends having worried over him being caught in the storm.


End file.
